Being defined by expectations you hate
When I see posts about people doing well in life, I naturally get envious because they're doing things more accomplished than I could ever imagine. Ironically, though, those things are also likely ones I'd rather not do.
The Olympics are an example - all these athletes getting gold medals and doing so with glee. The canoe slalom looks so fun, I'd love to do it. But growing up in London, rather uninterested in sport for most of my formative years, a bit on the slow side and generally being more reserved, I missed out on partaking in canoe slalom. Even then, why should I complain? I doubt I would have persevered either way, based on my track record in other activities.
If there's one thing I think I'm quite good at, it's memorising random facts and regurgitating them to an audience. Think Wikipedia:Unusual Articles, reading the summary sentence, and passing them off as a quip at lunchtime. How else could I know Sweden once had a February 30th?
The truth is, this makes me look smarter than I actually am, which is foolish. Knowing random facts may make you a good contestant on a game show, but it's only one form of intelligence, not the main one. And ironically my random fact knowledge is often used in my school's team quizzing event, based around University Challenge (a British show for those who don't know).
My team always did quite well, winning every year since I first participated, but this year we lost. I answered almost all the questions for my team and felt maybe too much pressure. The person leading the event wanted to end it by acknowledging how well I often did in the event, not realising I wasn't yet leaving the school. And this caused me to have a different outlook on this event - what had I actually achieved?
I hadn't mastered various different instruments, I wasn't competing in local competitions, I wasn't even earning plaudits for being a local volunteer. Instead, I was being remembered for knowing various pointless facts.
I've never truly been able to get to grips with how people percieve me. Perhaps it's because I'm more nihilistic than I should be, but I couldn't find any true benefit from this event. Instead, I had ended up more stressed than usual, unable to enjoy myself because I knew it wouldn't be an easy ride. I hadn't succeeded in the typical sense with this quizzing event - I hadn't learned much, other than that I hate getting attention (I'd rather take notes than give them).
But in a way this was also something to be proud of - I had done very well in quizzing to the point the host was willing to single me out for it prematurely. So I have achieved something - merely, something I didn't want to achieve. I had fallen short though there was no cliff to fall from.
I won't be doing the quizzing again, this being the last opportunity. People want me to, but if I don't, then why should I? Instead, I'm going to dedicate myself to doing the things I love doing - that is, writing poems, stories and blogposts, learning about the subjects I'm taking, and also starting to code and writing music. I may be no artist, but I reckon as time goes on, I'll better understand music.
On a similar note, I was also often recognised for doing well in maths, to the detriment of other subjects. I was very good in English, but many more knew me for being good at maths, and I know academics isn't the be-all and end-all of life, and that school is blown out of proportion, but being self-conscious I didn't enjoy this. Thus I was recognised even though I didn't think I should be, and I got overly stressed due to it. Expectations are everything, I suppose, and if those expectations aren't liked, then you're less likely to be content at the end of the day.
There is still time to learn, after all, new things which I'll find more enjoyable. I'll love defying expectations and trying out new things which will make people wonder why I did them. There's no point obsessing about words and accolades which are ultimately meaningless. I'll always take joy over stress.